oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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