Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
