i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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