I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
