hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
