Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
