i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
