Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
