Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
