I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
