You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
