I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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