I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
