She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
