does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
