Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
