bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
i need to put some appletini on your dick
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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