I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
