Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
