I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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