So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
