We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Found the puke drawer
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
