you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
