genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
