Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
