Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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