i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
