your parents love me but you hate me
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
