I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
