Tell her she can't have a vagina
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
