I heard we made out
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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