I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize