please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Randomize
