I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
