There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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