i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
third nipple confirmed
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
