Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I could fuck to npr.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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