I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
it wasn't lemon gatorade
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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