I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
