your parents love me but you hate me
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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