Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
