So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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