she woke up with a sticky ear
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
