you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
