I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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