Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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