Kareoke will never be a sober sport
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
