dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
