ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
