The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize