there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
