Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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