that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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