i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
