batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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