So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
