if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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