Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
