man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
