Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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